I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
