U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
