If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
