Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
