Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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