yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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