Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
