The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Randomize
