Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
