I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Randomize
