i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I just want to make out with him forever
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Randomize
