The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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