i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
