Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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