And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
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I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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