Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Randomize
