you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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