You really coming over, don't trick.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
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Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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