ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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