we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
