Yo dont text me then not text me
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
