Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
