does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Alive.
So much puke
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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