As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
