this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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