Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
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