Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
