Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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