you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
