Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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