As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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