I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
