shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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