Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
