Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
