I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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