I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
