can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
