I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
