They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
