you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
