Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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