Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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