I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
