I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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