like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
