Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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