Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
