I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
