Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
