i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Oh god it's open bar.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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