Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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