The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
3 2 1 whiskey
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
