I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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