Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
