She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
