I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
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