Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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