Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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