I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
